Questions to consider in polyamorous relationships

Some things to pay attention to, to help in making a decision about whether or not to become involved in a particular relationship:

• Does this add to or detract from my other relationships? (In particular my primary relationship, if I have one)
• Am I increasing intimacy or avoiding intimacy?
• What are the likely effects of making love to this new person? Will I/we like the residues?
• Is this encouraging personal growth?
• Am I paying attention to my own needs? To my partners' needs?
• What are my motivations?
• How does this fit into my existing life? Do I have enough time for this?
• Does this feel life affirming?
• What do my inner voices say about this?

Tools for self-acceptance - questions and actions

Lack of self-acceptance can be a real problem in relationships, especially in polyamorous relationships. Insecurity often underlies jealousy. Here are some questions to ask yourself and actions to take to help you develop more self-acceptance.

• What do I especially appreciate in friends and other people?
• How do I manifest those qualities that I particularly appreciate?
• Keep a notebook of the ways you manifest those qualities.
• Start a practice of doing a good deed every day.
• See how that makes you feel.
• Tell people what you appreciate about them.
• Every evening, write down some things that you particularly appreciate about yourself on this day.
• Reread these when you're feeling bad about yourself.

Dr. Martin Seligman found that his students reported that doing a good deed helped them feel better longer than doing something for relaxation, such as seeing a movie.

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